It seems that I’m always in it. Even when using Tylenol it barely goes away. It hardly makes it manageable. It’s not just because I am overweight. I just don’t believe that being overweight can really hurt every single last part of my body.
Even my hair feels like it hurts.
The air feels like it hurts, and I don’t get it.
I looked into WebMD about Fibromyalgia and I may have it. I guess it’s off to the clinic to see if they can help me figure it out, and I also need to have an update of my antidepressants.
I’m on two, and neither of them really seem to be working. Which is needless to say a giant bummer.
I bought a cheap (seriously, it was $1) little solar powered dancing flower to help cheep me up. My logic was, if it dances, then I can know there is still sunshine so all this cloudy low-light weather is not as grim as it feels.
I hate S.A.D, just like I hate winter. Or fall, whatever. I’m trying to be upbeat and happy but it’s not really happening. I feel flat-lined.
I dropped school for now because the pressure was too much, and I couldn’t cope.
Lots of things are too much right now, and I cry too easily all over again. It’s like I might as well not even be on my meds with how I am feeling. What the actual heck is wrong with you body?! Why wont you stop hurting and I can’t I stop this unbearable sadness?
Right now, all the meds are keeping at bay are the “drive the car into that wall/the lake/off this bridge” thoughts and the horrific easy trigger anger I have when I am unmedicated. Ugh, I hate to admit how awful I can be when not on something that at least helps a little. Okay, I guess those two things are more than just a little, but I hate feeling so lethargic and blah… I don’t even have the desire to eat right now.
I am sorry to vent this all here, I know that a lot are here to handle coupons and giveaways, but I feel like I need to be real more often than I am… and right now I am struggling.
That actually explains my lack of being able to keep up with things, and it’s something I hate about right now. I want to do so many things, I do… but I….
I don’t even know. You know?
It’s that, just curl up in a ball feeling. While one part of you says “go do it” the rest is saying “naw….” “I don’t want to” “make someone else” “this sucks” “why me?”
Why me? I mean really? Why me what? I know that my life isn’t all that terrible. I’m not super rich, I’m not super poor, we have a roof over our heads and all that jazz. I even bought clothes that fit and told myself that it’d make me feel better.
But all I do is obsess about the numbers.
Hate myself for being heavier than I have ever been in my entire life.
It’s hard to get up in the mornings but I have to, the kids rely on me to drive them to school. They rely on me to make sure they have their stuff together, to tell them goodbye, have a great day, be good, have fun, etc.
Will I ever find a medication that can take away this feeling of absolute hopelessness that no words can help?
I can’t even fully describe it perfectly, because I think depression as a whole is just too much of a looming thing to describe in words that make sense out loud or written.
Tomorrow, I’ve got to call my doctors. I can’t keep going on like this, and I need help before I spiral out of control and try something stupid like I have in the past.
Sorry again to vent, I just needed to get this out of my head and heart.
