Withdrawals are positively horrible. No, I am not trying to wean off of any street drug, nor am I attempting to wean myself off of alcohol. I am in the process of changing anti-depressants under the guidance of a medical professional.
But the withdrawals are still knocking me on my rear! We started with a week at half my usual dose, and I’m now in my ‘every other day’ of half doses for a total of 7 pills or two weeks. This is the worst part, I feel positively awful.
Last night around 6 it was all I could do to plop forward on my bed, all my text books with me, and hide my face in a towel as I curled up in a ball with the most wicked headache and brain zapping that tylenol was hardly able to touch. Thankfully I called in my oldest to make some sandwiches for dinner, and could find some rest eventually. I woke up about an hour and a half later (thank you kids for caring! I appreciate being allowed the rest when I truly needed it) and felt somewhat better, but standing up proved to make me feel dizzy and that pressure in my head become intense again.
On top of it, last night I took my half dose of my new medication, just for it to get stuck on one of my tonsils (which have always been large) and I didn’t even realize it but thought I just had an agitated throat. When I took in a deep breath and it got dislodged, all partially melted and gross, I had to run/stumble to the bathroom and ended up just throwing it up. Ugh, well there went that half dose? The burning feeling and discomfort of my throat was just, blech. I can’t want until we find something that can help for sure. :/
Aside from that, the past few days have been, mostly alright.
I found out that my son’s therapist is no longer working at the office we go to, this is after we already lost the ones for the girls as well. :/ however, they have hired someone else to replace him, and he doesn’t seem to mind that he will be seeing someone else. Hopefully, she has the energy to work with him on his ODD, while keeping in mind his ADHD makes him like the energizer bunny x5! The kids are all doing fine in school, as far as I can tell, nothing too out of the ordinary behavior wise. As far as I know… everyone is getting their homework in unless there is somehow something ‘being sent to my email’ that I’m not getting like was happening before.
School was, well a portion of it anyway, a terrible experience for me on Thursday. I was pulling into a parking lot further away from the building my class was in… only to have someone pull out and nearly hit me while I’m already there, they hadn’t even started their car when I had started down the row and yet took the time to blare their horn at me before flipping me off. Yeah nice, of course I was so frustrated that I did it too and said “yeah fsk you too” yet in less, hmm, held back language! I felt ‘over’ the situation as I grabbed my things only to realize I now had to run in freezing cold weather all the way to the building, up a flight of stairs, in four minutes. My lungs were positively burning by the time I got in the building and I shared with one of the women in my class what had just happened down the street in the parking lot.
I got in with one minute to spare and I hate that, I like to be at least 5-10 minutes early but I didn’t even manage the 5 this time. So I walked with my head lowered to a seat that meant I could pretty much hide from the world as I wanted to catch my breath and… I like to stay rather invisible if I can. Yes, even though I have blue hair, which two people ever have accused me of having ‘to gain attention’, I do indeed prefer to just stay off the radar. It’s safer that way, at least in the real world, okay online too, at least to some extent.
Anyway! this is entirely beside the point! This isn’t about my hair or if I want to stay invisible, geez.
After sitting down, I realize ‘oh man where’d my pen go?!’ because I knew I just had it, and it wasn’t in any of my pockets, tucked behind either of my ears, in my purse or in my spiral notebook where it’d been about 4 minutes before! It was then that the teacher handed out a paper to fill out our names for where we were sitting. Hoping this was the only time I would have to do it, I meekly asked the girl next to me “I’m … really sorry, but could I borrow your pen for a sec?” which was difficult, so I could at least fill out my name. After returning the pen to her, the teacher then says that he’s going to hand out this paper for us to fill out over the next ten minutes while he walks around and gets to know our faces by our names. So not to feel bothered if we notice him staring.
That, was what was the worst of it. Yet it was in that situation as I checked through all my stuff again that I couldn’t still find my pen that my entire inner universe imploded. I froze, tears started up in my eyes, soon enough they were splashing so heavily down my cheeks hearing them fall on my hoodie and pants sounded so loud to me that I swore people downstairs could even have heard! Which is, of course absolutely ridiculous. I couldn’t help it though, and I spent 8 of those minutes crying soundlessly while hiding my face with my fingers, trying to regain control of myself and put it all into perspective. ‘You’re not the first person to forget a pen.’ ‘It’s just a pen, see the other girl at the table? She has an entire pencil box, it’s okay to just ask her to borrow one for class.’ ‘Just calm down, and walk to the teacher and ask him if he has one you can borrow. Just say ‘I’m sorry, I seem to have misplaced my pen, do you have one I could borrow?”
Of course, to add insult to injury I checked my bottle of anti-anxiety medication from my purse, just to find out that my purse bottle is empty. That was, pretty awful right there too.
Eventually? I ended up wiping my tears the best I could and making an exit to the bathroom, where I broke down into uncontrollable sobs as I called up the only person local I can call when my world is just shattered. Even though he can oftentimes be a total pain in the rear, I called my ex, the youngest’s dad and sobbed about everything to him. Of course since I was in a small echo-y bathroom, and I was just a gonner to my anxiety over this entire pen fiasco he couldn’t understand me no matter what I tried. Eventually his phone died (his phone is in terrible shape) and I continued my little panic attack in the bathroom. Once I was able to pull myself together, I washed my face with cold water and carefully came back into the class where joy of joys I’d missed about 30 seconds or so of the lecture. Still, I was calm enough now that I could watch, listen, nod, and be thankful that he posts all of his lecture material online so I could see what I had missed later!
You know what happened from there? After he got his phone working again my ex called a good 7 times, thank goodness for vibrate on phones so no one heard it going off in my pocket! Eventually, he showed up at my class, looking for me. Which meant another quickly shuffled head-down exit from the class as my panic swelled back up after he asked me what was wrong. Thank the gods that he ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS has a pen in one of his pockets. I personally can’t stand that feeling but, I may have to get used to it. Even if now I do have four pens in my purse. Finally able to tell him what was wrong as I cried my
foolish (strike through because I’m supposed to be working on judging myself!) little heart out, I looked up at him ‘please, tell me you have a pen?!’ I cried and of course he came further to my rescue by producing his pen! A few more hugs and maybe two minutes after he came, I was able to go back in the room with my head lowered in shame at walking through a lecture and sit down to thankfully finish the class, and that paper (which was merely about why we were taking the class, what we looked to learn, and what we considered family) without any further incident.
*sighing* I really hope that my stress and anxiety levels chill out soon. Once I’m done with withdrawals, I’m more settled on this medication and over the general nerves of starting ‘real life’ school like this I would really appreciate the ability not to cry so much over a pen.
I have to go somehow finish my homework that is due tomorrow, if I can write this much of a blog post, surely I can write 2-3 paragraphs on the most significant political and social developments during the Shang Dynasty, right? Or at least stop second guessing myself and just submit the three paragraphs I wrote last night about it already.
If I felt like I had the energy to stand up and deal with standing around the kitchen I think I would make myself some coffee, or if I felt like it was safe enough for me to drive I’d just go to Starbucks and get my usual.
You know, speaking of? I did take pictures to write out a tutorial post of sorts on how I make a homemade version of my usual. I meant to have it post for Thursday but that ended up not happening this week. I think I’ll post it next week. Though it’s not really all the busy, I did indeed actually take the time to take pictures just in case people really wanted to see pictures of something so silly. 😛
I hope the weekend goes well for everyone.