It’s been a rough start to the week, the first few days after the kids get back from the ex-hs tend to be particularly trying for my poor DS. He struggles with the transition and, I myself struggle with his struggling. On top of that, the stress managed to delay my ‘cycle’ by a good 5 days, yet I knew it was coming my severe irritability and pains in certain areas. Blargh, I am exhausted emotionally and mentally and my headache is proving to be relentless. Coffee nor Tylenol appears to want to touch it, and my allergy to aspirin keeps me from grabbing the bottle that has long sat in the cabinet from when the ex still lived here.
Yesterday was my first day of ever being in an on campus class for school ever since I was 17. That was 10 years ago and it was terrifying. I walked in the room, and had eyes on me, a group of three girls in the back giggled and whispered about something likely not even related to me, yet they looked at me anyway. I wanted to do nothing more than run down the stairs, throw myself into my van, and go home to cry. So I picked a spot close to the wall, in a seat that wasn’t too close to anyone else. I’m far too shy and scared of other people at times, though I wish I wasn’t really It’s really painful to be… well, like that. Still, the class went just fine, afterwards though… oh afterwards. I made attempt to read while dinner was both marinating and in the oven (made Teriyaki Salmon, my first time ever attempting to cook Salmon after trying it only once ever, and hating it back then too.) That attempt failed as DS was having extreme struggles with the idea of ‘Mommy would really appreciate it if you could use your normal voice and not scream/yell/squeak like that’ even if he did ask ‘oh, because it makes it hard for you to concentrate?’ *sigh* He tried, but kept forgetting, or he claimed to.
I wont claim to fully understand his ADHD, nor his ODD. Only that they cause certain reactions within myself to the struggles he has that make me nervous, tired, frustrated, sad, heart broken, and sometimes? Angry. Oh yes, I get angry. I understand that ADHD has been shown now to be a chemical deficit or imbalance, but that doesn’t help when some days it feels like the 5 hours of PSR he has weekly and the 1 hour of counseling doesn’t do much at all for help considering the few months we’ve been working on this path. Yes, I need to realize that it’s only a few months. I do see that there is progress, of course I see there is progress. Recently, I took the kids out to Chinese (thanks to Aussie, who sent me funds for the outing via paypal to… celebrate something I can remember), and the ex tagged along because despite my telling the kids not to mention it to him so that he wouldn’t feel upset (yes, childish that I have to hide things like this in order to do anything without him) two of them just couldn’t keep it in.
Still, usually any meals out involving my ex and all the kids, in particular DS, end up with me nearly in tears, or in tears, with fighting, yelling, and screaming between the ex and DS. It’s a horrific situation, emotionally, mentally, physically, one of those moments that further make my general anxiety about being in public even worse. It’s like a set back in anything I’ve learned in therapy about how to overcome my in public anxiety! Yes, a 25 year old adult man versus a 6 year old boy with the special needs of ADHD and ODD. It’s hardly fair and balanced, it’s the stupidest type of fight in the world, despite my efforts to include him in changing how we interact with DS to try and help him along with dealing with so many things… it just doesn’t work. Between him and the ex-h, I often feel like banging my head against the wall in frustration and general emotional pain in being unable to handle the stress from how they handle DS and how we likely should be handling DS.
Despite all that? This meal went most beautifully! Someone noticed all four kids attempting to use chopsticks and marveling at their skills. There wasn’t a single fight, glare, tantrum or argument between the ex and DS, nor DS and anyone else. DS ate his entire plate of food, didn’t want his entire bowl of soft serve, and sat patiently. It was pleasant and happy!
So much so that I even took left overs off of plates and mixed then up into the melted left over soft serve of DS’s, played around and made something that I playfully declared as “Lady Gaga’s breakfast” because I didn’t have any more glitter in my pocket (sadly, I used to have a little thing of glitter that I likely actually put in my office) in order to make it Ke$ha’s breakfast. Yes, I actually had a joyous moment were I could be playfully strange, making the kids giggle at the randomness, it’s a side of me that is usually so painfully buried under stress that it is rarely seen.
I am not sure I had a point in all that, other than just needing to talk/write everything out. Today was dance class, we reviewed and reversed the dance from Monday, and then added in moves that are on off counts, or uneven counts. 1, 3, 7. Ahhh, that didn’t go near as well, and one of the tall/lanky guys in class kept running into me and this other girl, making it very hard to concentrate on movements. Yikes! I don’t blame him really, it was hard to get the footing down and with a large leg span, even harder to keep control when doing slides in a circle. Still, maybe he can take smaller slides next time to avoid collisions.
Tomorrow is Marriage and Family again. I’m feeling anxious over going and sitting in a room full of people. At least the teacher did mention that he wasn’t going to force shy people to talk, and that actively listening counts as being participatory. That will at least save me from having to get up in front of people and talk just yet. Though I did manage to chat with three people from dance class. C (male), T (female) and E (female) which was… actually very nice. It was good to be able to talk to other people like I wasn’t… ahhh, just some strange person all alone in this giant world. I have that feeling, all too much for my own good.
I hope everyone out there, anyone, doesn’t even matter if it is people able to read this, are able to have a good day. Or a good moment, it doesn’t even have to be an entire day. Just a good moment or two in their day to lighten the load of everything else that may bog them down. A moment where you can unwind and make Lady Gaga’s breakfast at the end of a happy meal with your kids.
Or a few minutes alone with a good book/tv show/song on the radio (or mp3 player even)/whatever.
Just have a good moment. Find some peace in all the chaos and cluttered moments in life, and try and hold on to those. At the end of the day, it’s the good moments that can lift you despite everything else.
Like a nice chat with your far too flung boyfriend… after an exhausting day.